Remember boys, if you REALLY care about your member you’ll treat him right by buying only the best oats on the market. Buy your whole oats today at your local farmers market. Trust us, your dick will thank you.*
*This message was brought to you by WitchesStoleMyDick Inc., if you have misplaced your penis recently check with your local bird nest for details
Finally, what shall we think about those witches who somehow take members in large numbers twenty or thirty and shut them up together in a birds nest or some box, where they move about like living members, eating oats or other feed. This has been seen by many and is a matter of common talk. One should say that it is all brought about by the devil’s work and illusion. The senses of the witnesses are deceived in the manner we have mentioned above.
A man reported that he had lost his member and approached a certain witch in order to restore his health. She told the sick man to climb a particular tree where there was a nest containing many members, and allowed him to take any one he liked. When he tried to take a big one, the witch said you may not take that one, adding, because it belonged to a parish priest.–
Malleus Maleficarum Part II, Question 1, Chapter 7 (via mythsandlegend)
Via Exploring Mythology, Folklore, and Legend
-I don’t always use my witchcraft to steal men’s penises and hide them all in birds nests, but when I do I make sure to feed them only the best whole oats!
In August 1590, two women Jonett Grant and Jonett Clark were together tried and convicted of performing various murderous
acts of witchcraft. The verdict against them listed their crimes as slaughtering cattle by witchcraft, raising the devil, murdering several men and women by witchcraft, and finally stealing penises from some men while bestowing them on others. For instance, they were accused of giving “ane secreit member to Johane Coutis; and gewing and taking of power fra sindrie mennis memberis; ITEM, sylit of taking ofjohnne Wattis secreit member fra him” (Pitcairn 1833:206). For these acts the two women were sentenced to be burnt at the stake at the Castle Hill of Edinburgh.
The Flying Phallus and the Laughing Inquisitor: Penis Theft in the “Malleus Maleficarum”
Author(s): Moira Smith
Source: Journal of Folklore Research, Vol. 39, No. 1 (Jan. - Apr., 2002), pp. 85-117
The head librarian just walked by my office and saw that I had all the lights out and look otherwise poopy. He was concerned and asked if I was OK, to which I responded that I had a headache and was just minimizing the light and sound.
He told me that he had a pillow in his office if I wanted to borrow it for a nap. You know you work a the right place when your boss suggests naps. Yay for my job.
There is never a single, orthodox version of a myth. As our circumstances change, we need to tell our stories differently in order to bring out their timeless truth. In this short history of mythology, we shall see that every time men and women took a major step forward, they reviewed their mythology and made it speak to the new conditions. But we shall also see that human nature does not change much, and that many of these myths, devised in societies that could not be more different from our own, still address our most essential fears and desires.– “What is a Myth?”
A Short History of Myth, Karen Armstrong
- men get into something not aimed at their gender:
- women get into something not aimed at their gender:
Unfortunately, our work computers are highly managed by IT, so we have to contact them for the absolute smallest things all the time. The IT guy assigned to our group is extremely proactive and helpful, and will often call us directly when there is an issue (and I have so many).
However, our IT guy has the sexiest phone voice in existence. So I often find myself playing horrifically stupid when it comes to computers just so he’ll call me on the phone. He also sends email updates to us after our interactions just for record, and in case anything else goes wrong.
After my mishap on my computer today I got to fawn over him for a bit on the phone, after which I received an update from him in which he wrote, “Thanks for being proactive!”
I’ll be proactive for you anytime sexy customer service voice IT guy ;). Oolala <3.
In what may prove to be either a great misuse or great use (depending on how you look at it) of my researching powers, I have successfully cyber stalked sexy phone voice IT guy, found his pic (he’s pretty hot), and found his interests (he’s a total nerd).
Oh dear me I accidentally spilled my tea all over my computer! What is a girl to do! Better call IT…